I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
