I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
