Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
