Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
