Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
