Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
