Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
