I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
