Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
