so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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