We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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