My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
stop calling my apartment porn island.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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