i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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