I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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