You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
