I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
