The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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