Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
