so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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