so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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