he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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