Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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