dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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