If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
