I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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