'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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