I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Randomize
