I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
