i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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