Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
