i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
