what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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