His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
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