She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
