I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
