I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
