I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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