i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
