I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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