i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
