Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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