I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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