i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
