just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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