The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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