a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
