Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
