I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize