Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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