I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
