Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
