he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize