i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
