I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
