You made me cry and you don't even care
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize