i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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