she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
