Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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