Tell her she can't have a vagina
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize