so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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