You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
