I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
