I'm really into asian looking animals
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
